It feels so shameful that I can hardly write the words on the page.  It's harder to hear them said outloud, like last night when Obed said, "Sometimes I want them, a little bit."  He was referring to having kids and he was being generous, I think.  I told him through tears that I was afraid too.  As I went to bed, the string of words shot into my consciousness and then hung effortlessly in front of my eyes.  They felt accurate and right:

It scares the shit out of me.

Not necessarily having our "own" biological kids.  But adopting.  It feels so scary, like inviting a perfect stranger to come and live in your house.  It's the option that has been whittled down for us thanks to medications that failed to work and procedures that are too expensive.  Adoption has always been present in my heart, but now facing it in my mind - the logistics and reality of it all - it is terrifying.